Be a Beginner

“We have little to no tolerance for allowing ourselves the space and grace to be a beginner.” Marie Forleo (Everything Is Figureoutable)
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This is what a beginner might look like wakesurfing.
I tried. I fell. The board caught me in the eye. I bled. I tried again. And again. And again. And by the end of the day, I was surfing on a lake, behind a boat, without a rope. 🤯 
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I was struggling to figure out why this felt SO amazing, why it felt like such a high, why I felt so empowered and confident…then it hit me.
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Many of us, as adults, stop trying new things. We stop challenging ourselves. We often stop setting goals. We aren’t willing or open to learning something new or doing hard things. We are scared to be put ourselves out there, scared to fail, scared to be vulnerable, scared to be a BEGINNER. (And by the way, I am first in line for all of this. 🙋🏼‍♀️)
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But do it. Do all the things. Go be a beginner. At something. At anything. Scare yourself. Maybe even bleed a little. 😜

I am That Girl

📷 Circa 2012

“I realized I didn’t have a life outside of him and his dreams. I was basing my life and my future on his dreams and lost track of my own budding interests. I realized that in my efforts to be selfless, to please, and to be a good girlfriend….I’d lost myself, turned down the volume of my voice, and hung up my jersey so I could sit in the stands and root for him.” Alexis Jones

Marrying Matt was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Being a wife, a wonderful, Godly, encouraging, and supportive wife was one of the biggest dreams I had for my life. And so quickly, I dove in. Matt’s dream of playing Major League baseball quickly became my own dream…my ONLY dream. And inevitably…

“I slowly lost myself. Not purposefully, and I wasn’t even aware of it at the time, but little by little I sacrificed my own desires to to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. Not because he was asking me to do this, but because I wasn’t tuned into what really made me happy. I didn’t take time to discover that personal happiness makes you a much better partner.” Julie Shannan

You guys I read these words today in my book, “I am That Girl” by Alexis Jones, and I couldn’t have possibly described more perfectly ME…who I was during this season of my life. And don’t worry, I give myself grace. I didn’t know. I had never been a wife before. I was doing what I thought a good “baseball wife” should do. I had never moved around a lot, so I hadn’t learned the skills necessary and taken the initiative to adapt and get involved and find my own LIFE wherever we may be.

You don’t know what you don’t know, but the truth remains the same. I LITERALLY hung up my jersey so I could sit in the stands and root for him. I lost myself, so slowly, I didn’t even know it was happening. And the crazy part is, the version of myself that I was during those years, was NOT Matt’s favorite version. He didn’t like that my happiness so depended on him, let alone his career. He wanted my support, absolutely, but not 100% of my attention and interest.

Matt had fallen in love with a girl who knew herself, who was confident and independent, who had passion and goals and dreams of her own. For a season, that girl was nowhere to be found, but six years ago, she came back, and she’s not going anywhere 🔥

I Don't Know How You Do It All

Them: I don’t know how you do it all.
Me: I don’t.

This is a conversation I have at least a few times a week. And I always tell the truth. I don’t do it all. I don’t think there has been one day since I had the twins (+Tessa) and started this business that I have done it all. Not one day has gone by that I thought, “Yep, I really NAILED it today.” 😂

And I am totally okay with that. I have learned to adjust (ahem, LOWER) my expectations for what I intend to get done on a daily, weekly, monthly, and even yearly basis.

I have learned that a good weekly brain dump (writing down every single thing that I think I need to do) helps immensely with clearing my head space, but that each item on that list will NOT get done (at least for that week) and will just be transferred to next week’s list, and maybe even the next week’s list after that.

And every morning I say a few of the exact same positive affirmations and prayers. Some are very positive and empowering. But my favorite ones go like this…

“I will not get everything done today, and that’s okay.”
“Lord, show me where to direct my energy. Show me who and what needs my attention today.”
“Let me be available and interruptible.”

I manage a lot, but I don’t do it all. I have days when I feel really satisfied and proud of myself and days when I know I totally blew it (in one area of life or another).

And either way, at the end of everyday, I’ve learned to be okay. I’ve learned to accept that I’m going to fail and fail a lot. I’ve learned that it’s okay to lower your expectations, but still dream big. ❤️

PS: Throwback to Tessa's newborn photoshoot, where Brittany Elise Anderson captured us EXACTLY as we are most days. 😬

The Office of my Dreams

Ya’ll, I’d like you to meet the office of my dreams.

What’s funny about me having an office is that I never, NOT EVER pictured me being the kind of girl who needed an office, or even wanted one.

From the time I was a little girl and all the way up through high school and college…I ONLY ever wanted to be a mama.

I know that’s not very popular to admit these days. I know that women (and men) are encouraged and pushed to be more, do more, make more, dream more, all the MORE things.

But being a mama WAS MY DREAM. And boy, was that dream fulfilled in the sweetest, most fulfilling of ways…“more than I could ask or imagine”.

So when it started to feel hard, like really hard (i.e. three babies two years old and under), I felt guilty. I felt guilty for feeling like it was hard. I felt guilty for feeling like there was no end in sight. I felt guilty for looking ahead to an “easier” season of life. I felt guilty because I knew I wasn’t enjoying them the way I should. I felt guilty because I knew how crazy blessed I was, yet I was struggling with the thought, “Is this it?”

I knew I wasn’t being the mama they deserved, the wife my husband needed, and the woman God had called me to be.

Something needed to change, I needed to change, so I joined an online fitness challenge and decided to do this network marketing fitness business called Beachbody. Not because I wanted an office (#workperk). Not because I wanted to build our forever home. Not because I knew Matt would be retiring from baseball and we would need the extra income (God knew). Not because I had an entrepreneurial spirit or had a social media following (I don’t and I didn’t).

I started because I knew the change needed to start with me. I started because I needed to do something, ANYTHING. I started because I needed to re-build my confidence with small wins and remember WHO I WAS. I started knowing I might fail, but also knowing I might not, and either way, I would be better off than if I hadn’t tried.

And now here I am. I am a work from home mom with her own office (who would have thought?), with the insane blessing of serving my highest calling as a wife and mama with a little something for me on the side.