Confessions of a (Former) Baseball Wife: The End

I can't think about it too much.  I can't let myself GO THERE.  It's still hard to watch or read about or keep up with.  Because when I do...when I allow myself to remember, accept, or admit that it's over...it's really over, the realization still has the ability to knock the wind right out of me.

Even as I type this, tears fill my eyes, threatening to brim over.  

It's silly, right?  Matt officially retired from professional baseball in June of 2014 (2 years ago), and the last time he played in the big leagues was 2012 (4 years ago).  How can it possibly still sting?  How can it still hurt to the core, even after so much time has passed? 

And it's not like we aren't happy.  We are. (I will take the liberty of speaking for Matt.)  Matt has found a new career as a residential lender that he really loves.  It's competitive and ever-changing, he has flexible hours, and the sky is the limit.  We are getting ready to build our dream house next year on our dream property.  We live right around the corner from both of our parents.  We have an incredible church family.  We are immensely fulfilled. 

And let's be honest, we have four kids ages 4 and under.  Baseball life would have been C.R.A.Z.Y. with all of these kids.  The traveling, the lack of family, and the insecurity that comes with baseball would have been extremely difficult to endure.  

Yet still...it hurts.  I know the death of a dream or a career is incomparable to the death of a loved one.  I know that.  But it still requires mourning and grieving.  It still takes its toll.  We will never stop missing it.  We will always wonder, "What if..."  I'm not sure the sting, the emptiness will ever fully go away. 

I know some of you will say, "At least he made it...his dream did come true!"  But if you think that, then you don't know my husband very well.  To be honest, "making it" was never his dream.  Matt never doubted he would make it to the Big Leagues.  "Making it" was never a fantasy for Matt...it was his reality, the reality he lived (and worked for) day in and day out since he was five years old (literally...I think he was a strange kid).  

I don't mean to sound ungrateful.  Please understand that we are grateful that he "made it".  We 100% know that the things we experienced in Major League baseball were once in a lifetime, and we are so blessed.  But in order to fully express how this feels, you have to know that Matt dreams much bigger than the average person.

Matt's dream was to be an All-Star, MVP, and Hall of Famer.  Simply put, he wanted to be the best.  Big dreams.  Huge dreams.  Outrageous dreams that I fully embraced, hoped for, prayed for, and believed in.  I believed he could do it.  I still do (if only that pesky hip would cooperate).

So yes, Matt made it, but with only 3 (very average) years in the big leagues, you can see how his dream was left quite unfulfilled, how he feels like he had so much left to give, so much more potential to offer.  That's painful.  That will always hurt.  That will always make you wonder, "What if..."

Things started to unravel in 2012, after his 2nd hip surgery (on the same hip).  We spent 2013, in Triple A, but Matt hardly played due to his injuries, he attended spring training with the Baltimore Orioles in 2014, but was released, and then he spent the last six weeks of his professional career playing with the Campeche Piratas in Campeche, Mexico.  

Through all of that, the writing was on the wall, his career was obviously coming to an end, yet that glimmer of hope would not be extinguished.  We had such faith that God would give us a comeback story.  We believed He would heal Matt's hip and restore his dream.  


So even though we should have seen it coming, even though in some ways his career was dying a slow death and we should have been more prepared; when the end did come, it still felt terribly sudden and morbidly final.  It felt like a huge blow then and still does today.  

Rest assured that 99% of the time I am fine.  We are fine.  We are at peace.  God is still good.  He is still faithful and He has planted new, exciting dreams in our hearts.  We have four beautiful children who keep us way too busy to think about baseball, always keep us grounded, and remind us that we have abundantly more blessings than we do losses. 

But every so often, when a baseball game is on TV, and we see guys we know, who Matt played with, who are still living the dream...our dream, it comes flooding back and hurts all over again.

I Am Dara

"You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you like to do."  I have a lot of notions about what I wish I liked to do, about the subjects and occupations that I wish interested me.  But it doesn't matter what I wish I were like.  I am Gretchen { or insert your own name}." Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project)

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this concept since I read "The Happiness Project".  How often do we do something because we feel like we should. And how often do we NOT do something we would enjoy because we feel it isn't good enough or worthy enough or "cool" enough. 

How often do we pretend to have fun at an event or pretend we like a particular kind of food or fake interest in a popular subject, when really it's not fun, we don't like it, and we aren't interested.  

Embarassingly, I think I do this more often than I would have initially thought.  It's not that I'm fake or pretending, but I WISH I liked certain things more than I do.  

My best example?  Wine. I do not like wine.  Oh how I wish I savored wine with the passion that some people do.  Apparently, it's the perfect cure to a long day.  It's super classy and distinguished.  You can plan whole vacations around a love for wine.  I will continue to taste wine, in hopes that one day, I too will love wine.  But right now, I don't.  So why do I wish I did? 

As a matter of fact, I really don't love any alcoholic drink.  Even the ones I like, I always think would undoubtedly taste much better, minus the alcohol. :)  But why do I feel pressure to enjoy it?  Why do I feel the need to have a token drink when I go out with friends?  

The sad part about wishing your opinions were different, or worse, pretending they actually are is that it keeps you from discovering what you actually do like and who you actually are.  

"I have an idea of who I wish I were, and that obscures my understanding of who I actually am." Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project)

So who am I really?

>>>I am a girl who would prefer to sip on a diet coke than a glass of expensive red wine.

>>>I am a girl who would choose a cheeseburger and french fries over filet mignon.

>>>I am a girl who watches college football all day long on Saturdays (and doesn't feel guilty about it).

>>>I am a girl who doesn't stay up to date with current events. (Oops)

>>>I am a girl who really doesn't enjoy shopping.

>>>I am a girl who loves binge watching TV shows.

>>>I am a girl who loves to read, both the classics like Pride and Prejudice and Emily Giffin's easy-read, definitely non-classic books.

>>>I am a girl who really wants to embrace the organic lifestyle, but when push comes to shove, is just too cheap. 

>>>I am a girl who loves Twilight, but has never seen Lord of the Rings. 

>>>I am a girl who wishes she could whip up beautiful, healthy, delicious meals for her family on a nightly basis, but really, just can't get it together enough. 

These are just small, surface examples, but these are things that are true about me, that maybe in the past I would have tried to change or hide or deny.  But these are my truths, uncultured and embarrassing or not : )

I am Dara. And I'm going to try and be more like her and less like anyone else.

So what activity or food or interest did you WISH you liked?? 

10 Reasons To Join A Challenge Group

Before I get in to WHY you should join a challenge group, I suppose I should clarify what a challenge group is.  While I can't speak for others, my challenge groups are made up of people (mostly women) who want to make their health a priority.  We are an online community who support each other, encourages each other, and empathizes with each other.  We share our struggles and victories, and in the GREAT groups, our vulnerabilities.  

As your "coach", I help you set realistic goals and come up with a strategy to get you there.  I connect you to the best fitness program and nutrition plan for you, your lifestyle and your goals.  I show you how to fit your workouts and meal planning in to you already full schedule.  I provide recipes, meal plans, and resources to give you the best chance of success.  I give you sweet love and tough love as necessary.  

So that's that : )

If that description doesn't make you want to jump in, I have also constructed this list of ten reasons you should join a challenge group in order of most obvious to least obvious.  

10. To look good

This is probably the most common reason people decide to focus on their health and fitness.  And hey, no judgment here.  I enjoy seeing those abs pop through as much as the next person.  Joining a group to look good is an excellent reason!

9. To access effective workouts and nutrition plans.

When you join a group, you immediately have access to some incredibly effective, specific tools and resources.  We all know WHAT to do: eat healthy and stay active.  But what does that actually look like?  What does that mean?  It's sometimes just nice to have someone TELLING you what to do, to coach you through it.  

8. To be held accountable

Sure, you can go to the gym, pop in your fitness DVD, but what about on the days you don't feel like it?  What do you do then?  Being a part of an online fitness community is surprisingly effective in keeping you disciplined and on track with your goals. 

7. To reach a goal

You're in your sister's wedding in two months, your beach vacation is coming up at the end of this month, you want to do a tough mudder...you have GOALS and you want to reach them.  A group like this is the perfect way to help you stay focused on your goal, and give you the tools to get there. 

6. To be a part of community

Working out from home gets boring, and even worse, nobody even knows you're doing it.  But when you are a part of a group filled with women like YOU who have similar goals and dreams and hate burpees with an equal passion...now that's fun.  Challenge groups make working out from home feel less lonely and a lot more exciting.  

5. To feel good

Physical results aside, getting serious about your health and fitness will help you feel good. There is a sense of accomplishment, a burst of energy, and an overall happiness that is associated with daily fitness and healthy foods.  

4. To change up your routine

So you're already disciplined.  You go to pure barre, crossfire, yoga, the gym six day/week without fail.  If your typical workout routine is getting mundane, this is a great way to try something new and still guarantee a great workout.

3. To set a goal

Wait a minute...we already talked about goals.  Yes we did.  But when I started my first challenge group 2 1/2 years ago, I don't think I had SET a goal in a very long time, let alone reached one.  Join a challenge group to set a goal.  Get yourself moving again, make some plans, and get after it! 

2. To invest in yourself

Too often, we have a too many priorities and too many to-dos to even think about spending some time on ourselves.  Invest in you.  You deserve it.  And your body, your family, your friends, your co-workers will thank you for it.  Trust me.  

1. To be inspired

I joined my first challenge group to get back in shape.  I had no other aspirations beyond losing the baby weight from twins and getting back to a body I was more comfortable with.  That group changed my life.  Taking back control of my physical health, inspired me to be better mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, as well.  Before joining, I had been stagnant, boring, and unmotivated, but then I learned how to dream again.  I learned that I was worth investing in.  I remembered that I had passions inside of me I needed to act on and I had a purpose to live out.  I am a more beautiful person INSIDE since joining my first group.  

My hope and prayer for each group I run is that they will run deep; that my challengers will find a part of themselves that had been lost; that they will discover a fire inside them that had been burnt out.  I want them to move forward with confidence and purpose and hope and passion.  

I feel timid to even type this.  I hear a mean little voice saying, "Who do you think you are?"  But the truth is, I believe my challenge groups can change a life.  Will it be yours?

Top 10 Postpartum Must-Haves

I just had my 4th baby one month ago, and I learned a lot from my previous 2 pregnancies and postpartum experiences...for those of you doing the math, I know it doesn't add up...my 2nd pregnancy was twins. ;)  

After having my first daughter in 2011, I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  Literally.  There was so much I didn't know about postpartum life.  And most of it was terrifying.  (Why didn't anyone tell me my boobs would feel like rocks when the milk came in?!)

After having twins in 2013, I was a bit more prepared, but I learned even more.  

Now in 2016, I really think I have this weird newborn and postpartum stuff down.  So I figured it was time to make a list of my favorite and most important (in my opinion) postpartum items. I just started my postpartum fitness journey as well- you can check out this post for pictures of where I am starting!

10. Grace

You are going to need to give yourself a ton of grace.  Things are not going to go how you want them to.  You are not going to be who you thought you were.  You will not know what you thought you knew.  Rest in grace. 

9. Pads in every shape and size 

Just when you think the bleeding has stopped (because there's lots of bleeding), and you finally put on your nice panties, it comes in a flood again.  Unbelievable.  Be prepared.  Stock pads in every size, so you are never without.  Always play it safe.  Don't wear your nice panties.  

8. Unattractive full-coverage undies

Speaking of panties, hide your pretty, lacy, barely there Victoria's Secret panties in the back of the drawer and go to Target and pick up some Hanes Her Way full-coverage undies in black.  Just trust me on this.  Nothing is more uncomfortable than wearing a full sized pad in a thong. 

7. A good book

If it's your first baby and even if it's not, you will be spending a lot of time nursing / bottle feeding or pumping, and a book is crucial.  Whether it's an easy read or a baby book or something else, have a book handy.  I have read more in the last four weeks than I have in the last four months.  I even started a one year Bible plan because when it's 4am, what else would I want to do? 

6. Shakeology

I know you're thinking, "Okay, here she goes..."  But seriously, I barely have time to eat these days and I love to eat.  I would NEVER eat breakfast if it weren't for my Shakeology.  And if you're breastfeeding, the nutrients, vitamins and superfoods that this shake offers are unmatched.

5. Breast Pump

If you're breastfeeding you need a breast pump because without a breast pump you can't go anywhere alone. And I know it's only been a few weeks, but you need to go somewhere alone.  You need a date night with your husband and you can't do that without a breast pump.  Go get a breast pump.  

4. A Netflix show to binge watch

Because let's be honest, you can only do so much reading, right?  Currently, I am in the middle of Gilmore Girls, but other excellent binge-worthy shows are Friday Night Lights (Sienna), and Felicity (the twins).  Sometimes you just need to zone out and watch TV. 

3. Family

I truly don't know how women have babies without their mothers and/or other family around.  If you are reading this, and have had a baby with no family support, you have all of my respect and admiration.  My husband is unbelievably helpful.  He gets everything done that needs to be done without me asking.  I am the luckiest. 

My mom has been there for every birth and of course in the weeks following to offer support and help.  My mother-in-law has generously and willingly taken charge of my older kiddos when it's go-time, and also plays a huge role around the house helping out however she can.  And those are just my mom(s)!  My dad, father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother, and friends have completely surrounded us these last few weeks.  I am so blessed. 

So if you don't have family around, find a friend.  Support from someone who loves you is vital.  

2. Attractive nursing bras

I have found this item to be WAY more important than you would initially think.  I learned my lesson on this with Sienna, and implemented a solution with the boys.  

Here's the thing, you already feel super uncomfortable in your body.  Your belly is flabby and loose, your boobs are huge and hard.  You barely have time to shower, let alone do your hair and put makeup on.  Cap it off with the ugly nursing bras, and it was all just more than I could handle.  

Let me clarify quickly, I am not talking about the actual nursing bras, but the sleep bras you might wear around the house.  Those were the bane of my existence.  I put one on and felt 10 times less attractive than I already was.  

As I was nearing my due date with the twins, I decided to find an alternative and I did!  I found fun, bright, lacy, and comfortable bralettes from Victoria's Secret.  They served the same purpose as a nursing bra with no uncomfortable seams and easy access to your breasts.  Honestly, it made such a difference wearing those versus the ugly beige ones.  Try it.  I dare you. 

1. Jesus

Let me reiterate that this list is entirely of my own opinion.  And in my experience, I needed Jesus first and foremost.  There are so many unknowns as a mother, so much that we want to control and can't, so many frustrating, disappointing, difficult, and even hopeless moments...that without Jesus, I couldn't do this.  He is my comfort and hope and strength.  He is the source of all wisdom and grace and love.  Not one other item on this list (not even a good Netflix show) can compare to the arms of Jesus.  He is my #1 must-have.

So that's my list.  But I am dying to know...what would make it on to your list?  I know I've missed some good ones!  Share below! 

17 Days Postpartum

For weeks, I have been trying to figure out how to post about this and share my postpartum progress.  I have been insecure, unsure, and nervous about the whole thing. 

Would you believe me if I said I am as surprised as anyone by these pictures?  I have never bounced back from a pregnancy so quickly.  My stomach has never retained that kind of muscle tone just 17 days after having a baby.  

Would you believe me if I told you I am almost embarrassed to show these pictures?  Would you believe me if I said I am mildly disappointed, as I was looking forward to a more drastic transformation when I start working out in a few weeks?  

And then I realized something.  This is the best transformation yet.  My transformation started the minute I pressed play on P90X3 in February of 2014 after having twins.  For the next 18 months, I worked out consistently, drank my Shakeology daily, and did my best to make healthy choices.  Before I became pregnant with baby #4, I was in the best shape of my life.  

But it didn't stop there.  I continued to workout 3-5 times/week, 35 weeks in to my pregnancy.   I continued to drink my shake daily.  I wish I could say I ate super healthy and clean throughout my pregnancy, but then I would by lying.  I didn't.  ;)

But don't you see? All the work I had done up until I delivered my sweet girl contributed to this postpartum transformation.  I didn't have to start at zero.  I get to pick up {close} to where I left off.  

When this picture was taken, I was still 10 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight.  Even now the skin around my tummy is loose and wrinkly (and that may never change).  I don't fit it to all of my clothes yet.  And my hips are wider than before.

I am not yet there.  But I don't have to start over.

Let me be abundantly clear on something.  I do not think any woman should put pressure on herself to look the way she did before she became a mother.  Our bodies aren't the same after we've had babies and they may never be the same again.  And that is okay.  

Pregnancy affects every woman differently and one woman's body will respond differently than another's.  That's okay.  

But do I think investing in your health before your pregnancy and during your pregnancy  will help your postpartum transformation?  Absolutely.  Do I think it's possible and important to feel healthy and confident in your postpartum body?  Yes I do.  

This blog post is not about convincing you to look like me.  This post is to share my journey (the way I've been doing the past 2 1/2 years), and challenge and encourage you to do YOUR best for YOUR body.  It's to show you that you don't always have to start from square one after you've had a baby.  It's to show you that pregnancy doesn't have to equal inactivity and binge eating. 

My best advice?  Don't wait until your due date to start your transformation.  Start today.  Do some yoga.  Eat clean. Go for a walk.  Eat more veggies.  Invest in your health. 

Not sure where to start? I would love to talk to you and help you invest in  your self. Please feel free to visit me on Facebook or send me an email.

What was your postpartum journey like? I would love to share stories- and to show new moms that everyone's journey is different! Comment below!