Unfiltered Mom Confession: I'm a Yeller (Update)

A few months ago, I laid out my naked heart for the world to see when I declared publicly that I ugly yell at my kids.  If you missed that blog, you can read that here. 

So the big update?  I'm still a yeller.  (Surprised?)  But I can say with absolute confidence that I yell less often, and have gained a generous portion of self control since writing last August.  I am very much a work in progress, but I have to say I am excited by the noticeable difference I see in myself...the way I react, the words I choose, the volume of my voice, etc.  

So what has changed?  What have I done to improve?  What steps did I take?  

1.  I manage my expectations.  

I started identifying the situations when I was most likely to lose control, and then either avoiding those situation entirely OR mentally preparing myself to face the worst when I was in those situations.  

For example, 1-2 days/week, I have to wake the baby (9 months old) up early for her nap, load the boys (twin 3 year olds) into the van, drive to Sienna's (5 years old) school, unload everyone, walk up, retrieve Sienna, walk back, load everyone back in, drive home, unload everyone, and start making and feeding lunch to four kids.  Unsurprisingly, these were often situations when I completely lost control, resulting in scary mommy (me) making an appearance.  

So now?  Well, inevitably, I still have to pick up Sienna from school.  But I manage my expectations.  I assume that it's going to be a little (or a lot) crazy.  I assume that one of the boys is going to take 25 minutes to buckle himself in, refusing to let me help him.  I assume that Sienna is going to forget something in her classroom, so that we all have to parade BACK down the hallways.  I assume the baby will be a little cranky because I woke her up from a nap and she's now starving.  

But when I approach the situation, with super low expectations, loads of grace for my littles, and with a sense of humor, it becomes less stressful and more manageable, and dare I say, even a little bit fun? 

2. I stopped multi-tasking.

Okay, this may be a bit of an exaggeration because as a mom, we are juggling something right?  But I stopped multi-tasking the important things.  I rarely make important calls, I almost never do Beachbody business (answer emails, send messages, create trainings), or anything that requires thought or brain power while they are awake and running around.  It's just too hard.  It's when I'm trying to answer an email, and they are begging for a snack when I lose my mind.  Are they wrong for needing a snack?  No.  I'm wrong for thinking I can get important things done while my children need me.  

And actually, my children play very independently, and I am a big supporter of that, but when you have four children, five years old and under, someone always needs something.  And that's okay. It's just the season of life I am in right now.  That being said, I can do housework, laundry, dishes, quick internet research, and schedule appointments while my children are around.  But to-do items that require a little more time and thought...those are saved for when the kids are napping.  

3. I take deep breaths.

You know when you can feel the frustration bubbling up?  You know that feeling of being on the cusp of exploding?  Yeah, me too.  And I started becoming more aware of when I was feeling that way, and taking deep breaths.  Recognizing and naming those emotions is a game-changer.  It stops you in your tracks, allows you to take a deep breath, walk away, and change your direction.  It really is that simple if you can be present and aware of what you're experiencing.  

4. I came up with a plan of discipline.  

"Sienna, put your shoes on.  Sienna, put your shoes on.  Sienna, put your shoes on.  Sienna, put your shoes on.  SIENNA, PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!!", Scary Mommy roars.  Does this sound all too familiar?  Or is it just me?  ;)  

Matt and I have really cracked down on obedience.  We are not perfectly consistent by any means, but we are developing a system and an action plan for discipline, so that instead of ugly-screaming our instructions for the tenth time, we ask once, give a warning, and deal a consequence.  

Trust me, this is easier said than done.  But knowing you have a plan gives you confidence as a parent, and honestly, helps your kids know better what to expect and what kind of ship you are running.  

5.  I quote the Word of God over myself every morning.  

I firmly believe that this has made a huge difference.  God is my creator and maker and He knows how I roll.  He knows my flaws and my strengths, and He understand my nature more than anyone.  So I have deeply relied on His love, His promises, and the hope He gives.  These are the scriptures I have been saying every morning: 

"His divine power has given me everything I need." 
2 Peter 2:1

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 
Ephesians 4:2

"The Lord gives His people strength; He blesses them with peace."
Psalm 29:11

"Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city." (one of my personal favorites) 
Proverbs 16:32

"Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." 
Psalm 141:3

Is it just me or are those POWERFUL?  

Can I just reiterate that I am still in the midst of this journey to becoming a non-yeller.  I have made strides, but I am still in pursuit.  I am grateful for how far I have come, yet humbled by how much further I must go.  

But I received such an amazing response from my previous blog about the subject, that I felt I owed it to you to share with you what's working, where I'm at, and what I am doing.  But I as you again...what has worked for you?  What ideas do you have to increase my patience and decrease my yelling?  What books have you read that highly influenced the way you respond to your children?  I would love to continue learning with you! 

You Have More Time Than You Think

"Simply changing my words from 'I don't have time for that' to 'That's not a priority for me' has completely changed the way I organize my life.  Actually, the way I live my life."


I just finished 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam, and this book will CHANGE the way you view your life, view your schedule, view your week...hour by hour, perhaps even minute by minute.  


Laura Vanderkam says, "True time management is about filling our lives with the things that deserve to be there."  The premise of the book is that we actually do have time for fun and meaningful relationships and hobbies and volunteering and date nights even in the midst of our full time careers and raising babies.  Based on time-use surveys and real time diaries, none of us are really working as hard, sleeping as little, and as devoid of free time as we think we are.  

In short, we are less busy than we think, which begs the question...why do we FEEL like we don't have time for the fun stuff?  Why do we rush around like we are on fire all the time?  Why do we collapse into bed utterly exhausted and depleted? 




As a society, we have come to put "busyness" on a pedestal and wear it proudly as a badge of success.  We love to complain about shortage of time.  She says, "It is safe to say that time has become the primary obsession of modern life.  Some people are having enough sex.  Some people have enough money.  But no one seems to have enough hours in the day."


The stats are alarming: 

According to the National Endowment for the Arts, only half of us have read a short story, novel, poem or play in the last year.  Moms and Dads who are in the workforce clock a lousy 1-7 minutes of daily reading to or with their children.  But even stay at home moms of preschool-aged kids don't top 8 minutes per day.  Dual-income couples could find only 12 minutes a day to talk to each other.  A reported 20-40% of pets, primarily dogs, suffered from separation anxiety due to their absent, overworked owners. 

Where are the days, hours, and minutes going?  That's the thing...most of us don't really know.  We think we know, but we don't.  We check our email, and end up scrolling Facebook for 45 minutes.  So how do you give yourself what Laura Vanderkam calls a "time makeover"?  Keep a time log for two weeks.  Write down what you're doing in 15 minute increments for 168 hours.  Just like when you keep a food journal, or a budget, you become much more conscious of how you are actually spending your time.  

I did this for two weeks, and it really kept me accountable to being purposeful in my everyday tasks.  It kept me focused, so I could accurately log the time.  I created my daily activities into different categories as best as I could.  There are some activities that cross categories, and some hours unaccounted for, but nevertheless, here is what I found about me. 

I averaged 8 hours of sleep daily over the two weeks.  That doesn't surprise me.  I have always been very disciplined about getting enough sleep.  In week 1, I dedicated 12 hours to my Beachbody business, which seemed low to me.  But in week 2, those hours jumped up to almost 20.  Can I just say I love that?!  I love that I can work 12 hours one week, and 20 the next, as fits my schedule, with no boss breathing down my neck.  

Not surprisingly, hours dedicated to interacting with my children combined with household chores (feeding, dressing, cleaning, hugging, kissing, wiping, dishes, laundry, meal planning and prepping) averaged out to 41 hours each week exactly.  So that should help answer the burning question of what stay at home moms actually do all day! ;)  

I also chose to log the time I was INTENTIONALLY playing with or reading to my children, whether outside, doing puzzles, building blocks, or throwing baseballs, and sadly, this came out to about 1 hour per day over the two weeks.  Goodness, I wish that number was higher, but isn't that the point?  Since I did this, I have minimized my multi-tasking, and started prioritizing not just the care of my children, but playing with them, as well.  

I averaged 2 hours/day of free time where I chose to read a book for pleasure, watch TV alone, or watch TV with my husband.  I didn't put the spouse time in a different category, but perhaps I should have.  Because I can say with certainty that the majority of that 2 hours came from spending time at the end of the day, relaxing and watching Seinfeld with Matt.  However, this is the point of the book.  I could be using that time to build my business, write more blogs, learn a new language, pick up a new hobby, etc.  But spending that time with my husband and choosing to have downtime myself is a just a bigger priority.  

We do have more time than we think.  

But can you have it all?  Can you do it all?  Laura Vanderkam claims you can.  She feels that if you make the most of your 168 hours, focusing on your core competencies (things you are BEST at and are most important to your personal fulfillment and productiveness), you can have it all.  

She recommends that full time working parents rearrange their work schedules if possible, so they can get home at a reasonable time, spend time with the family, and then work more in the hours after their kids' bedtime.  She suggests waking up early to spend a few extra minutes with the children before the morning rush starts.  She urges her readers to schedule fun stuff on the weekends, so they don't just end up sitting on the couch all weekend watching TV.  She gives great ideas for outsourcing the things that aren't most important, like shopping and cooking and housework.  

One of my favorite examples of a woman truly making the most of her time told how this mom would spend the extra ten minutes she had with her boys, after dropping her daughter at school, and before their school began, reading them Hardy Boys books.  I just loved that.  How many of us would just turn up the radio or be scrolling our phones instead of being INTENTIONAL even with the smallest increments of minutes.  

I think that's what we underestimate.  We underestimate what a few minutes of unplugging would do for our peace of mind.  We underestimate what ten extra minutes of quality time with our children could do for our relationship.  We underestimate how much we could learn in just ten minutes of reading a good book.  Where do you have pockets of time that could be used more purposefully?  

That being said, I still don't agree that you can have it all.  I know that's an unpopular opinion in this day and age.  And I fully welcome conflicting opinions.  But here's where I stand.  As a stay-at-home mom, I am definitely not on the floor playing with my kids for 8 hours/day.  I am not doing puzzles and playing dolls and painting and reading to them for even half that amount of time.  And as a stay-at-home mom, I believe I need to be just as intentional as a working mom to make sure I am spending that face to face time with my children, totally distraction-free.  It is absolutely essential.

But I don't think you can measure or count the number of interactions that take place throughout a full day of stay-at-home mommy hood.  The kisses and hugs and sweet words and funny moments that happen in the unintentional times--in the middle of laundry and making peanut butter and jellies and wiping little bottoms and picking up toys--can't be numbered or accounted for.  

Those long, slow, seemingly endless days at home with little ones can never be replaced or repeated.  Even when I'm struggling, even when I'm tired and overwhelmed, even when all I want is to get away, I recognize the pricelessness of this season.  I know that in five years, I will look back with longing at this sweet time of tiny feet pattering and small voices asking for another snack, and chubby arms touching me all.day.long.  

And may I just say that I know being a stay-at-home mom is an absolute luxury.  I don't take that for granted.  And I know that many families don't get to make that choice. 

So while I disagree that we can "have it all", Laura Vanderkam forced me to take a long, hard look at my day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and be aware of how I was spending that time.  It is empowering to look at your week with a blank slate of 168 hours, and choose to fill those hours in a way that will promote the utmost productivity, in the areas that matter most, leaving margin for what brings you joy and fulfillment.