Unfiltered Mom Confession: I'm a Yeller

Sometimes I yell at my kids.  Like, really yell;  not speak in a serious tone, not raise my voice a bit; like ugly, loud, (now I'm the one throwing a tantrum) kind of yelling.  

I hate that about myself, about my motherhood.  I can't stand that I am displaying in full, wide-open, in front of their little eyes exactly what I DON'T want my kids to do.  I am responding to them in the EXACT way I don't want them to respond to me.  

You know it's bad when your kids look at you like you're cra-cra...or worst, in fear.  Motherhood is humbling and hard, and that's a huge understatement.  It can actually be humiliating and scary and leave you feeling helpless and horrible.  And don't get me started on the guilt. 

The guilt one of my tantrums brings on is unbelievable.  No matter how much more "fun" I make the rest of the day and no matter how nice and patient I am, it doesn't erase Mommy's  earlier meltdown from their little minds.  And my kids...they're old enough to remember.  

I've actually wanted to write about this for a long time, but have never been willing to be so bold, so vulnerable, so transparent.  It's pretty scary to admit on social media a huge, ugly, flaw.  I mean, I post no-makeup selfies all the time, but to post a "naked" picture of my heart?  That's way harder.  Plus, I post tons of pictures of my beautiful, delightful children and now I get to tell you about how sometimes I totally lose it and scream my head off at them.  Nice, huh? 

So why now?  Why today?  Maybe it IS too much information.  Maybe this is one of those things that should just stay inside the four walls of a home.  Maybe I shouldn't expose myself, my family this way.  

But I share with you because I want to be better.  I refuse to believe that I can't change.  I refuse to believe that I just have a temper, so that's how it's going to be.  I refuse to believe that I am not able to control my frustration, and express it in a healthy way every.single.time.  Because I think we can all agree that yelling is not the best way to discipline your children.  Is it effective?  Sometimes. But healthy?  Definitely not. 

And I have a feeling I am not the only "yeller" out there.  So this one's for you.  You're not alone.  

So that's me: the ugly, scary side of me.  

Oh and I beg you, don't mistake this post for a self-bashing rant disguised as a "please affirm me" kind of confession.  I am not looking for a pat on the back.

I know I am a good mother.  I know I am doing the best I can.  I know I am not the only one who yells.  I know that I am (most likely) not causing permanent damage.  And I also know that I do more right than I do wrong (hopefully). 

But all of those kind sentiments don't give me an excuse to stay the same.  They do not justify my bad behavior.  So I will strive to be more. I will pursue growth and positive change.  I will chase down patience and self control.  

So I've come up with a few ways that I am hoping will help me.  

1. I am going to quote scripture over myself in the mornings.  I am not sure which verses yet, but verses that talk about controlling your tongue, and patience, and self control.  I believe in the power of prayer and scripture.  I know FOR SURE the only way I will ever really change is to press in to God and His Word. 

2. I am going to devour books on the topic.  I am starting with "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  I have heard great things and look forward to reading it.

3. I want to practice being in the moment more, in hopes of recognizing when my feelings may be about to erupt. 

4. I have asked my mom to hold me accountable.  I have asked her to text me throughout the day and ask me how I am doing.  It won't be fun to admit to the adoring grandmother that you yelled at her grandchildren, but that's why I am hoping it will work.  

So what books would you suggest?  What else might work for me to improve in this area?  I would so appreciate any advice!