A few months ago, I laid out my naked heart for the world to see when I declared publicly that I ugly yell at my kids. If you missed that blog, you can read that here.
So the big update? I'm still a yeller. (Surprised?) But I can say with absolute confidence that I yell less often, and have gained a generous portion of self control since writing last August. I am very much a work in progress, but I have to say I am excited by the noticeable difference I see in myself...the way I react, the words I choose, the volume of my voice, etc.
So what has changed? What have I done to improve? What steps did I take?
1. I manage my expectations.
I started identifying the situations when I was most likely to lose control, and then either avoiding those situation entirely OR mentally preparing myself to face the worst when I was in those situations.
For example, 1-2 days/week, I have to wake the baby (9 months old) up early for her nap, load the boys (twin 3 year olds) into the van, drive to Sienna's (5 years old) school, unload everyone, walk up, retrieve Sienna, walk back, load everyone back in, drive home, unload everyone, and start making and feeding lunch to four kids. Unsurprisingly, these were often situations when I completely lost control, resulting in scary mommy (me) making an appearance.
So now? Well, inevitably, I still have to pick up Sienna from school. But I manage my expectations. I assume that it's going to be a little (or a lot) crazy. I assume that one of the boys is going to take 25 minutes to buckle himself in, refusing to let me help him. I assume that Sienna is going to forget something in her classroom, so that we all have to parade BACK down the hallways. I assume the baby will be a little cranky because I woke her up from a nap and she's now starving.
But when I approach the situation, with super low expectations, loads of grace for my littles, and with a sense of humor, it becomes less stressful and more manageable, and dare I say, even a little bit fun?
2. I stopped multi-tasking.
Okay, this may be a bit of an exaggeration because as a mom, we are juggling something right? But I stopped multi-tasking the important things. I rarely make important calls, I almost never do Beachbody business (answer emails, send messages, create trainings), or anything that requires thought or brain power while they are awake and running around. It's just too hard. It's when I'm trying to answer an email, and they are begging for a snack when I lose my mind. Are they wrong for needing a snack? No. I'm wrong for thinking I can get important things done while my children need me.
And actually, my children play very independently, and I am a big supporter of that, but when you have four children, five years old and under, someone always needs something. And that's okay. It's just the season of life I am in right now. That being said, I can do housework, laundry, dishes, quick internet research, and schedule appointments while my children are around. But to-do items that require a little more time and thought...those are saved for when the kids are napping.
3. I take deep breaths.
You know when you can feel the frustration bubbling up? You know that feeling of being on the cusp of exploding? Yeah, me too. And I started becoming more aware of when I was feeling that way, and taking deep breaths. Recognizing and naming those emotions is a game-changer. It stops you in your tracks, allows you to take a deep breath, walk away, and change your direction. It really is that simple if you can be present and aware of what you're experiencing.
4. I came up with a plan of discipline.
"Sienna, put your shoes on. Sienna, put your shoes on. Sienna, put your shoes on. Sienna, put your shoes on. SIENNA, PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!!", Scary Mommy roars. Does this sound all too familiar? Or is it just me? ;)
Matt and I have really cracked down on obedience. We are not perfectly consistent by any means, but we are developing a system and an action plan for discipline, so that instead of ugly-screaming our instructions for the tenth time, we ask once, give a warning, and deal a consequence.
Trust me, this is easier said than done. But knowing you have a plan gives you confidence as a parent, and honestly, helps your kids know better what to expect and what kind of ship you are running.
5. I quote the Word of God over myself every morning.
I firmly believe that this has made a huge difference. God is my creator and maker and He knows how I roll. He knows my flaws and my strengths, and He understand my nature more than anyone. So I have deeply relied on His love, His promises, and the hope He gives. These are the scriptures I have been saying every morning:
"His divine power has given me everything I need."
2 Peter 2:1
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Ephesians 4:2
"The Lord gives His people strength; He blesses them with peace."
Psalm 29:11
"Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city." (one of my personal favorites)
Proverbs 16:32
"Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."
Psalm 141:3
Is it just me or are those POWERFUL?
Can I just reiterate that I am still in the midst of this journey to becoming a non-yeller. I have made strides, but I am still in pursuit. I am grateful for how far I have come, yet humbled by how much further I must go.
But I received such an amazing response from my previous blog about the subject, that I felt I owed it to you to share with you what's working, where I'm at, and what I am doing. But I as you again...what has worked for you? What ideas do you have to increase my patience and decrease my yelling? What books have you read that highly influenced the way you respond to your children? I would love to continue learning with you!
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