A Beautiful Crisis

"Kids are a crisis. They're a beautiful crisis, but they're a crisis nonetheless. No one tells you this because they want you to have kids, too, so that the species survives. You don't realize it when you're in the middle of it either. Your only goal is to crawl across the finish line of an early bedtime and live to see another day." Jon Acuff

First of all, Jon Acuff is a writer and speaker, but he should be a stand-up comedian. I am reading his book, "Finish", and while I am learning a lot, I am laughing even more.

Also, it's okay to admit that parenting is freakin' hard. So.freakin.hard.

It is beautiful and ugly. It's my biggest success and my biggest failure ON A DAY TO DAY, MINUTE BY MINUTE BASIS.

It is by far, the greatest, most incredible dream and calling God has ever given me. But some days, this beautiful fairytale of a calling makes me want to curl in a ball and hide under my covers (it's been known to happen).

So if it feels unbelievably hard, and like nothing you ever expected or imagined, that's okay. It's supposed to feel that way. You're not alone.

Surrender to the Unknown

“Now I know that the best thing I can offer to this world is not my force or energy, but a well-tended spirit, a wise and brave soul.” Shauna Niequist

I've been reading Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist and it's one of those books I'll have to read over and over to truly digest. It's the kind of book you need to just marinate in.

This idea of heart over hustle, of presence over perfection, of grace over performance, of rest over rigidity...is something I've always believed in, talked about, and tried to practice.

But recently, God is taking me so much deeper. Where I thought I understood grace, I am still striving. Where I thought there was contentment, there is still a greed for more. Where I thought there was rest, there is still relentless urge to DO.

But I am surrendering to it. I am surrendering to the not knowing, the idea that I am not as together as I thought. I can be okay here for a while, marinating in the unknown, truly depending on Jesus, trusting Him to show me the way.

One of my Least Favorite Words

Striving has become one of my least favorite words. Just hearing the word makes me tired. I spent the last part of 2016 and the first half of 2017 STRIVING; I was reaching too far, stretching myself too thin. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything well: coaching, mothering, or wife(ing). By mid-2017, I was exhausted and burnt out.

Reading this excerpt from “She Is Free”, by Andi Andrew, took me right back to that season of my life:

“Whenever I feel totally out of my depth, unable to achieve what I am supposed to do, I know I’ve stepped out of connection with God and have started to walk in STRIVING and fear. Worry leads to a striving life of self-preservation instead of one of rest in God’s unfailing love. When we seek Him first, we are rewarded with HIM…
When we CLAW after our own destiny in fear, we reap anxiety and striving, and the “STUFF” we accumulate must be maintained by our own strength.”

Striving is not a place I want to live and walk in. I can’t do it. I’m not meant to do it.

I want to live according to my priorities. I want to work hard and know when to stop. I want to trust the process. I want to rest in the hope of Jesus. I want to dream God-sized dreams and then surrender.

It all sounds so good, right? But I don’t live there ^ everyday. I relapse into striving. I imagine we all do. But if we are going to strive, let us STRIVE after the life of ABUNDANCE and joy and hope and REST God has already given us, IF we will just ease into it, ease into HIM.

More Than Enough

I've been reading "She Is Free" by Andi Andrew and the she is laying down TRUTH all day long. But it was these words that hit me square and left a mark:

"Am I serving the God of Just Enough or the God of More Than Enough? Am I operating out of inadequacy, pride or false humility?

I have always subconsciously labeled myself as undeserving- never expecting too much of God's desires for my life. In order to avoid disappointment, I hoped little. I'll have 'just enough' my whole life.

Without knowing it, I had believed a lie that it was selfish to dream big, or dare I say it, even want for more."

This.was.me. All of it. Every word described the Dara of the past.

I set the bar low for my life, so I wouldn't get disappointed. I assumed my best days were behind me. I thought my role as a mama was the ONLY way God was ever going to use me again. I didn't expect to take on any more roles, any more callings, any more purpose.

I thought God was done with me. And I kind of wanted Him to be. I didn't hope for more or believe for better. I convinced myself that I was content, that I was fine, that I was happy. And in many ways I WAS, but in many ways, I certainly was not.

Finally, I got honest with myself, realized the state my soul was REALLY in, and did something about it. I stepped out in faith, became a virtual health and fitness coach, began to share my story, and it's been a WILD, beautiful, hard, purpose-filled journey ever since.

I am NOW serving the God of More Than Enough.

I hope you are too because He is so much MORE, than just enough.

Abundance

Do you choose a “word” for the year? If so, what’s your word?

Last year, for the first time, I decided I wanted in on this game. 

My word for 2017 was “AVAILABLE”. I wanted to be more interruptible, I wanted to be less focused on me and my perceived lack of time and more on others (namely my family) and what was needed around me. My word was not life-changing and I think I did an okay job of living it out, but I appreciated the focus it gave me and the small reminder of what my priorities should be.

So, this year, I wanted to play again.

I prayed for a word, but I didn’t like the word that kept coming up (anyone else feel me?). Finally, knowing I couldn’t ignore this word any longer, I surrendered to it.

ABUNDANCE.

Doesn’t it sound greedy? Selfish, even? I thought so too. It made me uncomfortable and I didn't like it.

But then God (there's always a "But then God" isn't there?) told me that this word is not telling me to STRIVE for MORE, but to remind me that I already have more than ENOUGH. My life is ABUNDANT.

Ohhhh….

So whenever I feel myself longing for more or jealousy rears its ugly head or I’m getting greedy or feeling the need to keep up and work harder, "ABUNDANCE" is there to keep me grounded, to put me in my place, and say, “Don’t do more, GIVE more.”

So that's me. ABUNDANCE. 

What's your word?

They Are My Reason, Not My Excuse

She is my reason, not my excuse. 

And I don’t mean that in a snarky, “I’m better than you because I workout” kind of way. 

But it is my truth. After I had the twins, my three very young children were my excuse for everything. I stopped moving forward. I stopped growing. I was letting life happen to me instead of LIVING my life because I had so many excuses not to. 

Being a mom is undoubtedly the most significant, greatest calling of my life. There is more purpose and passion and challenges and losses and fulfillment and delight than in anything else I could ever hope to do.

But being a mom who stopped growing, who stopped challenging herself, and who stopped taking care of herself was not the kind of mom my children needed.

And so that is why I workout. That is why I encourage and help other women find the time and space and energy to start taking better care of themselves too.

And that is why my children are my reason, not my excuse.

Unfiltered Mom Confession: I'm a Yeller (Update)

A few months ago, I laid out my naked heart for the world to see when I declared publicly that I ugly yell at my kids.  If you missed that blog, you can read that here. 

So the big update?  I'm still a yeller.  (Surprised?)  But I can say with absolute confidence that I yell less often, and have gained a generous portion of self control since writing last August.  I am very much a work in progress, but I have to say I am excited by the noticeable difference I see in myself...the way I react, the words I choose, the volume of my voice, etc.  

So what has changed?  What have I done to improve?  What steps did I take?  

1.  I manage my expectations.  

I started identifying the situations when I was most likely to lose control, and then either avoiding those situation entirely OR mentally preparing myself to face the worst when I was in those situations.  

For example, 1-2 days/week, I have to wake the baby (9 months old) up early for her nap, load the boys (twin 3 year olds) into the van, drive to Sienna's (5 years old) school, unload everyone, walk up, retrieve Sienna, walk back, load everyone back in, drive home, unload everyone, and start making and feeding lunch to four kids.  Unsurprisingly, these were often situations when I completely lost control, resulting in scary mommy (me) making an appearance.  

So now?  Well, inevitably, I still have to pick up Sienna from school.  But I manage my expectations.  I assume that it's going to be a little (or a lot) crazy.  I assume that one of the boys is going to take 25 minutes to buckle himself in, refusing to let me help him.  I assume that Sienna is going to forget something in her classroom, so that we all have to parade BACK down the hallways.  I assume the baby will be a little cranky because I woke her up from a nap and she's now starving.  

But when I approach the situation, with super low expectations, loads of grace for my littles, and with a sense of humor, it becomes less stressful and more manageable, and dare I say, even a little bit fun? 

2. I stopped multi-tasking.

Okay, this may be a bit of an exaggeration because as a mom, we are juggling something right?  But I stopped multi-tasking the important things.  I rarely make important calls, I almost never do Beachbody business (answer emails, send messages, create trainings), or anything that requires thought or brain power while they are awake and running around.  It's just too hard.  It's when I'm trying to answer an email, and they are begging for a snack when I lose my mind.  Are they wrong for needing a snack?  No.  I'm wrong for thinking I can get important things done while my children need me.  

And actually, my children play very independently, and I am a big supporter of that, but when you have four children, five years old and under, someone always needs something.  And that's okay. It's just the season of life I am in right now.  That being said, I can do housework, laundry, dishes, quick internet research, and schedule appointments while my children are around.  But to-do items that require a little more time and thought...those are saved for when the kids are napping.  

3. I take deep breaths.

You know when you can feel the frustration bubbling up?  You know that feeling of being on the cusp of exploding?  Yeah, me too.  And I started becoming more aware of when I was feeling that way, and taking deep breaths.  Recognizing and naming those emotions is a game-changer.  It stops you in your tracks, allows you to take a deep breath, walk away, and change your direction.  It really is that simple if you can be present and aware of what you're experiencing.  

4. I came up with a plan of discipline.  

"Sienna, put your shoes on.  Sienna, put your shoes on.  Sienna, put your shoes on.  Sienna, put your shoes on.  SIENNA, PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!!", Scary Mommy roars.  Does this sound all too familiar?  Or is it just me?  ;)  

Matt and I have really cracked down on obedience.  We are not perfectly consistent by any means, but we are developing a system and an action plan for discipline, so that instead of ugly-screaming our instructions for the tenth time, we ask once, give a warning, and deal a consequence.  

Trust me, this is easier said than done.  But knowing you have a plan gives you confidence as a parent, and honestly, helps your kids know better what to expect and what kind of ship you are running.  

5.  I quote the Word of God over myself every morning.  

I firmly believe that this has made a huge difference.  God is my creator and maker and He knows how I roll.  He knows my flaws and my strengths, and He understand my nature more than anyone.  So I have deeply relied on His love, His promises, and the hope He gives.  These are the scriptures I have been saying every morning: 

"His divine power has given me everything I need." 
2 Peter 2:1

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 
Ephesians 4:2

"The Lord gives His people strength; He blesses them with peace."
Psalm 29:11

"Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city." (one of my personal favorites) 
Proverbs 16:32

"Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." 
Psalm 141:3

Is it just me or are those POWERFUL?  

Can I just reiterate that I am still in the midst of this journey to becoming a non-yeller.  I have made strides, but I am still in pursuit.  I am grateful for how far I have come, yet humbled by how much further I must go.  

But I received such an amazing response from my previous blog about the subject, that I felt I owed it to you to share with you what's working, where I'm at, and what I am doing.  But I as you again...what has worked for you?  What ideas do you have to increase my patience and decrease my yelling?  What books have you read that highly influenced the way you respond to your children?  I would love to continue learning with you!