Cease Striving

"Cease striving and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10 NASB
"Be still and know that I am God!" Psalm 46:10 NLT
"Step out of the traffic!  Take a long, loving look at me, your High God!" Psalm 46:10 MSG

This verse has appeared over and over to me in the last few weeks.  It has shown up in two different books, been discussed in Bible studies, and frankly, I just can't get it out of my head.  I may not always hear God's voice, I may not always be able to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit, but I can be quite confident that God is trying to say something to me.  

Through reading Jeannie Cunnion's, Parenting the Wholehearted Child and Pat Layton's Life Unstuck, through self-examination and reflection, I have discovered something about myself...

I seek approval through performance.  I am a performance-driven maniac.  I base my self worth on completing my to-do list, how well behaved my children are, how often I am intimate with my husband, how much money I make, on whether or not I've lost my temper that day, on hitting goals in my business, and if I was able to put a healthy dinner on the table that night.  

Are you exhausted?  I am.  I truly had no idea how much of what I thought about myself was based on these scenarios, these behaviors.  What happened to grace?  What happened to just being me?  What happened to owning my strengths and ADMITTING my failures? 

In high school, it was even worst if you can imagine.  I remember sobbing after every track meet if I did not live up to the standards I had set for myself and the ones I IMAGINED my coaches, family, and friends had set for me.  And when I say "sobbing", I do mean "sobbing".  

In one particular instance, one I can not look back on without cringing, I had just WON the state championship for pole-vaulting.  I was a junior in high school, and I had won my first state championship, yet I was balling because I had not reached the height I had hoped for.  A reporter was trying to interview me and I could hardly speak through my tears, and what I did manage to say was how disappointed I was in myself.  

Seriously?!  How ungrateful I was!  How immature!  How embarrassing!  The following day when the article came out, I cried again, but this time I was crying because I realized how ridiculous I had been and I was ashamed.  

After that, I think I slowly began to accept God's grace and also awoke to the realization that my friends, family, coaches, and God did not love me any less or any more based on how I pole-vaulted.  For three years, I had bought in to that lie.  

Though I don't pole-vault anymore, there is plenty more to STRIVE for, isn't there?  There are a plethora of ways to prove how great, disciplined, and successful you are.  

Jeannie Cannon says of herself, "It was easier to think of being saved by grace than it was to think of being accepted by grace...On most days I acted like Jesus' final three words on the cross were, 'Make me proud', instead of 'It is finished'."

I never could have articulated what Jeannie did in that above quote, but when I read it, I realized I may as well have wrote it.  That is me.  

I try so hard.  I think and strategize and read and do.  When will I just BE? 

"God doesn't want something from us.  He simply wants us." C.S. Lewis

St. Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you."

I am ready to rest.  I am ready to BE with God.  I am ready to "cease striving" and know that He is God.  I am relieved to receive His Grace.