I had been far from the "best mom in the whole universe" and my daughter is beyond the age when she quickly forgets when mommy is mean or yells too much. She remembers. She hurts. She looks at me with those huge blue eyes full of sadness, disappointment, and dare I admit it, even a little fear.
It was one hour out of our day; one hour in which I couldn't handle the complaining, the questions, the attitude, and least of all myself.
I yelled.
I apologized.
We had a heart to heart.
I asked for forgiveness.
And then just minutes later, I yelled again.
I literally didn't know where to go from there. How could I have lost control of myself AGAIN? What was my daughter going to think of me? I wanted to escape. I wanted to give up. I wanted to quit. I needed to stop being a mom in that moment. And it's not because my children were being so awful. It's because I was being so awful. Clearly, I could not handle mommy-duties that day. Clearly, I was not capable of listening, and teaching, and disciplining effectively.
But there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape. These three sweet baby-faces were stuck with me as their mom that day, with no help in sight.
So I apologized again.
We had a heart to heart again.
I asked for forgiveness again.
And we went on a walk.
We moved on. I pressed forward. We tried again. I forgave myself. Because as moms, that's our only choice. There usually isn't a fire exit or an emergency escape route. There are no sick-days. And definitely no paid time-off.
That's the thing with motherhood. It isn't something you do in your spare time. It isn't a hobby. It's day in and day out, 24/7. It's when you feel like it and when you don't. It's when you feel like supermom and when you are barely holding it together.
The truth is, I am far from able on my own. But I am better with God. I am sure I am not fit for the job, but God thinks differently. Honestly, on that Tuesday afternoon, the only thing that kept me going (besides the fact that it wasn't nap-time yet), was the forgiveness and grace of God. The promise of a fresh start, not just the next day, but the very next minute, a fresh start was waiting for me. It was mine to take and rest in. So I did.
Unfortunately, that won't be the last time I fail and it probably won't be the worst case of failure when it comes to my motherhood either. But I think learning how to come back from those moments of failure is what's important. How are we going to respond? How are we going to treat our children, our spouse, ourselves the rest of the day? Will we give in to the ugliness of our hearts or rest in the love and grace of Jesus?
He is on my side. He believes in me. He thinks I CAN do this. He will equip me. He will forgive me. And He loves me. Those truths are where my hope rests.
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